今天算是所有的考试都考完了。这是在Bayview的第一次期末考。于是乎我的数学就悲剧了，居然我自认为最拿手的identity prove没能做出来，而错的就只是我把double angle formula记错了！太伤人了这个，我表示不再去想了，就让它随风而去吧妈的。
另外我发现最近越来越喜欢Jennifer Kwok这个小美眉了。她那姿态，真是婀娜多姿啊。虽然瘦得有点离谱，但除此之外她外表上没有一点缺陷。而且人很好，很善良也很聪明。有可能的话希望有进一步发展，只是这恐怕上大学前都没什么可能了。
Wednesday 26 January 2011
Thursday 20 January 2011
2011年1月20日
我真是累了。
也许很多人都说过些类似看着光标没想法的话。我真是如果不是得出答案的那一刹那把它写下来的话就会忘了。最近除了该干的那点事别的都选择无视。结果生母就TM吃屎了。
总鸡巴就知道和我在那儿BB。老子没心情和你吵吵，你就像中国连续剧一样草来草去。那天英语ISP和Mr. Buchan说话时他就问到一句Do you have any suicidal thoughts? 那是我说没有。也许那时我只是还不想死罢了。就像人常说忍耐有极限似的，也许活着的欲望也是有极限的。其实也许是那时候还没发现，在Saskatoon时有时我就会无意识地用“和朱晓君约好了长大后要娶她的”这种理由激励自己。现在想想其实真是有问题啊这个。只是那时候依然不时会到处出去玩玩所以尽管家里这操事不断我依然活得挺开心的。来了多伦多后依然在心里想着这里有谢伊凡有刘辙我还不怎么想死。但来了后见过面吗？我常常相信人类的世界只存在于你五官所能感知的范围。那对我来说她们现在存在吗？我真的可以用她们做借口么。我平常也是没有精力到一定程度了，就算现在这么high的打字的时候其实我一句话也不想说。如果现在生母再TM跑进来像平常那样那么大分贝在我门口吵，不对，敢再把我门打开我TM把不准就一刀砍死丫的了。因为我不想说话，也不想听这么操屄的声音在耳边响起，像TM唢呐一样让人无法忍受的刺耳。我也许到那时候真就敢砍了，因为渐渐的我发现其实活着还真是挺无聊的。不过我怕疼，所以什么割腕之类的还真是有待商权。先这样吧，反正活着就是六分的折磨在家两分的快乐在外面，还有两分就是少有的一个人在家里隔离出来的平静。
很多时候这就是一个取舍。当这屄叫我说句什么话的时候我可以无视，走过去。但接下来也许丫就会跑过来质问来质问去我又需要费多点口舌。我也可以两个音节打发了她，但这两个音节我真心不想发，没这力气。这时候就是取舍：我每天都花两个音节，还是每天不发音节而承受可能的多费口舌。我觉得还是去他妈的算了。有时候真觉得一刀下去问题就解决了。但这个还是要想想清楚中间的取舍平衡。也许还是不划算。还就先让你BB吧。
我现在其实不应该在写日志。明天有英文考试，希望考至少90分吧，最好满分。大家祝我考得够高吧，虽然我不太确定“大家”是没有人呢还是怎么样的。不过会来看我这么无法形容得丑的日志的人我还是谢谢你们啊。其实我在原先一开始写日志时就决定不在日志中掺杂任何负面信息的。这点不仅是为我的日志的读者们考虑，更是为了以后我自己回过头来看以前的记录时希望这些负面的东西已都被遗忘了而不被重新提起。可惜啊，我这活到一开始写东西就不可控制地吐苦水也侧面说明了现在我这弄得多不舒服。尽量在考完期末后转变回来吧，让那个Saskatoon时的我也能回来，虽然以前搬去不同的城市、学校后这点没有发生过……
也许很多人都说过些类似看着光标没想法的话。我真是如果不是得出答案的那一刹那把它写下来的话就会忘了。最近除了该干的那点事别的都选择无视。结果生母就TM吃屎了。
总鸡巴就知道和我在那儿BB。老子没心情和你吵吵，你就像中国连续剧一样草来草去。那天英语ISP和Mr. Buchan说话时他就问到一句Do you have any suicidal thoughts? 那是我说没有。也许那时我只是还不想死罢了。就像人常说忍耐有极限似的，也许活着的欲望也是有极限的。其实也许是那时候还没发现，在Saskatoon时有时我就会无意识地用“和朱晓君约好了长大后要娶她的”这种理由激励自己。现在想想其实真是有问题啊这个。只是那时候依然不时会到处出去玩玩所以尽管家里这操事不断我依然活得挺开心的。来了多伦多后依然在心里想着这里有谢伊凡有刘辙我还不怎么想死。但来了后见过面吗？我常常相信人类的世界只存在于你五官所能感知的范围。那对我来说她们现在存在吗？我真的可以用她们做借口么。我平常也是没有精力到一定程度了，就算现在这么high的打字的时候其实我一句话也不想说。如果现在生母再TM跑进来像平常那样那么大分贝在我门口吵，不对，敢再把我门打开我TM把不准就一刀砍死丫的了。因为我不想说话，也不想听这么操屄的声音在耳边响起，像TM唢呐一样让人无法忍受的刺耳。我也许到那时候真就敢砍了，因为渐渐的我发现其实活着还真是挺无聊的。不过我怕疼，所以什么割腕之类的还真是有待商权。先这样吧，反正活着就是六分的折磨在家两分的快乐在外面，还有两分就是少有的一个人在家里隔离出来的平静。
很多时候这就是一个取舍。当这屄叫我说句什么话的时候我可以无视，走过去。但接下来也许丫就会跑过来质问来质问去我又需要费多点口舌。我也可以两个音节打发了她，但这两个音节我真心不想发，没这力气。这时候就是取舍：我每天都花两个音节，还是每天不发音节而承受可能的多费口舌。我觉得还是去他妈的算了。有时候真觉得一刀下去问题就解决了。但这个还是要想想清楚中间的取舍平衡。也许还是不划算。还就先让你BB吧。
我现在其实不应该在写日志。明天有英文考试，希望考至少90分吧，最好满分。大家祝我考得够高吧，虽然我不太确定“大家”是没有人呢还是怎么样的。不过会来看我这么无法形容得丑的日志的人我还是谢谢你们啊。其实我在原先一开始写日志时就决定不在日志中掺杂任何负面信息的。这点不仅是为我的日志的读者们考虑，更是为了以后我自己回过头来看以前的记录时希望这些负面的东西已都被遗忘了而不被重新提起。可惜啊，我这活到一开始写东西就不可控制地吐苦水也侧面说明了现在我这弄得多不舒服。尽量在考完期末后转变回来吧，让那个Saskatoon时的我也能回来，虽然以前搬去不同的城市、学校后这点没有发生过……
Saturday 15 January 2011
The Raven
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'
But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.'
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never-nevermore."'
But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.'
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!
by Edgar Allan Poe
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'
But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.'
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never-nevermore."'
But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.'
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!
by Edgar Allan Poe
Tuesday 11 January 2011
2011年11月11日 11:53
首先庆祝这是我今年第一封日志。新的开始，在新的平台。在这激动人心无比光棍的时刻，让我来回味一下那些“曾经有一份感情blahblahblah”的时光吧。
就说下我生父的事迹吧，可以某种程度上解释我的一些举动。话说很多时候其实我自己也不知道突然就有冲动便做了些事。比如用板砖把人砸了，一脚踹在别人心窝。其实很多时候我并没打算这么做，但有些事就是烦躁啊繁琐，于是快刀斩乱麻，真的就把麻给砍了。话说我生父是个真正中国早期遗留下来的那种工人阶层没文化没教养但有力气的人。当时我妈据说基本上就是硕士读完了出了校门遇上第一个男的就嫁了。结果后面的悲剧我就不必一一描述了，无非是我妈挣着两倍的钱全交给生父，觉得在正常家里都该是这样的。可惜这只是我妈出身于比较好的家庭才会这么和谐。自从我妈把钱交出去后就影子也没见着过了。穷凶极恶这个成语是有道理的。这人一穷啊，什么都做得出来。为了把我妈这高学位摇钱树留住，一般人也许会想好好对待她啊？这可是你们这些沿海岸地区就算没怎么吃鱼也和吃鱼的人呆在一起的人有的思想。生父家的想法就是把她锁住，让她哪里也去不了。做人阴险，千方百计阻碍我妈本有的事业机会。在我妈要离婚时第一件事是把所有我妈的东西和我的东西一集装箱运走。那西安的冬天也不是闹着玩的，我当时还是襁褓婴儿，没了棉袄是要冻死的。他就觉得要让我妈在外面活不下去，不得不回来；看你没了我怎么活。我妈想偷偷回去拿，结果街坊里一帮子管闲事的人里谁看见了。其实我真想对中国所有现在三四十岁闲着手欠的中年大妈说一句干你妈逼的。多管闲事真TM操蛋，人家干什么和你有毛鸡巴关系，TM把你家照妖镜咂了啊，生活没乐趣就跳吧，省的给中国文明发展建设拖后腿。当时那街坊的贱人立刻就告诉了生父。剩下的也没啥可说的了，我妈进医院了就。现在一颗牙还是坏的。这些中国陋习下的愚昧百姓，没有生活没有向往就只剩下眼前点蝇头小利，从来看不到大局。几百年的奴性下演变出扭曲的人格除了苟且偷生就是会想要去控制周围的人。这一点上世纪共产党做到了，这些不发达地区的人还在继续做着。
再说我继父的前妻也是这种人，是个四川人，可见大多数内陆地区存在着一时间很难除去的陋习与无知。她在离婚时最果断的决策就是女儿不要了。而这软蛋继父就把这祸根接着了。从此她就吃定了继父，每每仗着母女关系挑拨这祸根和继父家的关系屡试不爽。在继父家耀武扬威，什么也不必付出便吃住了这女儿。被操控。而今这个出了国依然带着愚昧刁民的人渣气曾一度在如同剥削着我的家一般生活并时时向她妈告状的贱人终于在我妈忍无可忍的决定下还给了继父的前妻。毕竟这边家里没有人管得了丫也没人想管，于是在前妻最没想到时由于我妈的坚持这厮被直接送到广州。在控制了继父这么多年后没想到过我妈这家里的主心骨，吃软饭这么多年的继父根本不敢和我妈吵，否则她早没耐心准备离婚了。离婚后就算能分点财产继父也是没两天就没钱用了的花钱如流水的人，这个社会的淘汰者。其实也挺奇怪的，这些人离婚十年了都干了什么，难道还会没事干到要接着去控制一个早和她可以算是一点关系没有的人。没事干就去和你又傍到的这男的去干啊，没人拦着你。但整天做些缺德的事总有一天人要干死你。这些人活这大半辈子已经没有接着活下去的意愿了，不过就是在浪费国家资源。
这个控制欲，就是中国这些年依然无法冲洗掉的刁民之一大象征。在生活中他们已经没有什么东西剩下了，只有靠这样去积攒一点说起来“他现在被我看得死死的”这样炫耀的东西。记得当时我妈和同事看侦探故事集时，继父的前妻却就知道讨论什么外遇什么中国式离婚。当时继父还没和她离婚，结果看着这种东西的人既然就值得去尝试一下了。而她女儿也好不到哪里去。整天不好好学习在及格线下徘徊，回家就知道看什么综艺节目，除了棒子屎别的什么都不知道。看看，这就是回去追棒子的脑残之典范。引起圣战也是必然发生的，因为这是中国在往前走的脚步和奴性陋习刁民的战斗，后者必定会挫败，因为他们除了管闲事外没有任何一技之长，是生活中的败类。
虽然不想说，但我可能还真是在某种程度上被遗传了点那种暴力阴险的本质。不过我也是从真正记事起一直就还是在比较有文化的地方长大，受到影响较小，虽说偶尔还是会爆发一下但平时再加上我本有的忍耐力还是能够完全自律。而当时我不由自主与叶楚凌开始保持距离也是有这方面的原因。因为在她偶尔的字里行间中会显出可能她自己都没有意识到的（希望她是没意识的）表现出嫉妒与控制欲。那句“她（艺童）又不喜欢你”点破了她这个缺陷，因为当时我很清楚徐艺童是对我有好感，虽不定到什么程度但说不喜欢明显就是一面之词，与后来艺童给我的表现极为不符。她的控制欲时不时在各种场合显示出来，如胖子被一直利用着，当然他自己不仅本来就嘴大漏风又心甘情愿被任何美女踩这一点我明白。且从最开始与她有所接触时我也意识到她是个会花很多时间去看电视综艺节目和棒子的人。再后来由于我在那次对话后立刻有了戒心而没有对我有进一步控制的尝试。当然我认为这可能真的不是她的错，也许她家里教她的也就只有这种“驯夫术”，因为从她的一些不自觉的习惯中就可以看出这些控制并非全部出于她自身愿望。她依然会现出平常人会认为很大胆仅次于女生求爱般的好感，让对方很清楚的意识到这个女生喜欢自己。而爱一个人就想要了解他全部的这种心态也是极为正常的。但是当这个与她平时得到的扭曲的爱情观想混合时产生的并不是什么让所有人都能感到舒服的东西。希望以后她会有所改变，能克制在平时不显出来却对喜欢的人无理取闹的习性，能意识到爱一个人也要给对方自由，更能进一步自然地把握好尺度时，一定会得到她想要的真实的幸福。
就说下我生父的事迹吧，可以某种程度上解释我的一些举动。话说很多时候其实我自己也不知道突然就有冲动便做了些事。比如用板砖把人砸了，一脚踹在别人心窝。其实很多时候我并没打算这么做，但有些事就是烦躁啊繁琐，于是快刀斩乱麻，真的就把麻给砍了。话说我生父是个真正中国早期遗留下来的那种工人阶层没文化没教养但有力气的人。当时我妈据说基本上就是硕士读完了出了校门遇上第一个男的就嫁了。结果后面的悲剧我就不必一一描述了，无非是我妈挣着两倍的钱全交给生父，觉得在正常家里都该是这样的。可惜这只是我妈出身于比较好的家庭才会这么和谐。自从我妈把钱交出去后就影子也没见着过了。穷凶极恶这个成语是有道理的。这人一穷啊，什么都做得出来。为了把我妈这高学位摇钱树留住，一般人也许会想好好对待她啊？这可是你们这些沿海岸地区就算没怎么吃鱼也和吃鱼的人呆在一起的人有的思想。生父家的想法就是把她锁住，让她哪里也去不了。做人阴险，千方百计阻碍我妈本有的事业机会。在我妈要离婚时第一件事是把所有我妈的东西和我的东西一集装箱运走。那西安的冬天也不是闹着玩的，我当时还是襁褓婴儿，没了棉袄是要冻死的。他就觉得要让我妈在外面活不下去，不得不回来；看你没了我怎么活。我妈想偷偷回去拿，结果街坊里一帮子管闲事的人里谁看见了。其实我真想对中国所有现在三四十岁闲着手欠的中年大妈说一句干你妈逼的。多管闲事真TM操蛋，人家干什么和你有毛鸡巴关系，TM把你家照妖镜咂了啊，生活没乐趣就跳吧，省的给中国文明发展建设拖后腿。当时那街坊的贱人立刻就告诉了生父。剩下的也没啥可说的了，我妈进医院了就。现在一颗牙还是坏的。这些中国陋习下的愚昧百姓，没有生活没有向往就只剩下眼前点蝇头小利，从来看不到大局。几百年的奴性下演变出扭曲的人格除了苟且偷生就是会想要去控制周围的人。这一点上世纪共产党做到了，这些不发达地区的人还在继续做着。
再说我继父的前妻也是这种人，是个四川人，可见大多数内陆地区存在着一时间很难除去的陋习与无知。她在离婚时最果断的决策就是女儿不要了。而这软蛋继父就把这祸根接着了。从此她就吃定了继父，每每仗着母女关系挑拨这祸根和继父家的关系屡试不爽。在继父家耀武扬威，什么也不必付出便吃住了这女儿。被操控。而今这个出了国依然带着愚昧刁民的人渣气曾一度在如同剥削着我的家一般生活并时时向她妈告状的贱人终于在我妈忍无可忍的决定下还给了继父的前妻。毕竟这边家里没有人管得了丫也没人想管，于是在前妻最没想到时由于我妈的坚持这厮被直接送到广州。在控制了继父这么多年后没想到过我妈这家里的主心骨，吃软饭这么多年的继父根本不敢和我妈吵，否则她早没耐心准备离婚了。离婚后就算能分点财产继父也是没两天就没钱用了的花钱如流水的人，这个社会的淘汰者。其实也挺奇怪的，这些人离婚十年了都干了什么，难道还会没事干到要接着去控制一个早和她可以算是一点关系没有的人。没事干就去和你又傍到的这男的去干啊，没人拦着你。但整天做些缺德的事总有一天人要干死你。这些人活这大半辈子已经没有接着活下去的意愿了，不过就是在浪费国家资源。
这个控制欲，就是中国这些年依然无法冲洗掉的刁民之一大象征。在生活中他们已经没有什么东西剩下了，只有靠这样去积攒一点说起来“他现在被我看得死死的”这样炫耀的东西。记得当时我妈和同事看侦探故事集时，继父的前妻却就知道讨论什么外遇什么中国式离婚。当时继父还没和她离婚，结果看着这种东西的人既然就值得去尝试一下了。而她女儿也好不到哪里去。整天不好好学习在及格线下徘徊，回家就知道看什么综艺节目，除了棒子屎别的什么都不知道。看看，这就是回去追棒子的脑残之典范。引起圣战也是必然发生的，因为这是中国在往前走的脚步和奴性陋习刁民的战斗，后者必定会挫败，因为他们除了管闲事外没有任何一技之长，是生活中的败类。
虽然不想说，但我可能还真是在某种程度上被遗传了点那种暴力阴险的本质。不过我也是从真正记事起一直就还是在比较有文化的地方长大，受到影响较小，虽说偶尔还是会爆发一下但平时再加上我本有的忍耐力还是能够完全自律。而当时我不由自主与叶楚凌开始保持距离也是有这方面的原因。因为在她偶尔的字里行间中会显出可能她自己都没有意识到的（希望她是没意识的）表现出嫉妒与控制欲。那句“她（艺童）又不喜欢你”点破了她这个缺陷，因为当时我很清楚徐艺童是对我有好感，虽不定到什么程度但说不喜欢明显就是一面之词，与后来艺童给我的表现极为不符。她的控制欲时不时在各种场合显示出来，如胖子被一直利用着，当然他自己不仅本来就嘴大漏风又心甘情愿被任何美女踩这一点我明白。且从最开始与她有所接触时我也意识到她是个会花很多时间去看电视综艺节目和棒子的人。再后来由于我在那次对话后立刻有了戒心而没有对我有进一步控制的尝试。当然我认为这可能真的不是她的错，也许她家里教她的也就只有这种“驯夫术”，因为从她的一些不自觉的习惯中就可以看出这些控制并非全部出于她自身愿望。她依然会现出平常人会认为很大胆仅次于女生求爱般的好感，让对方很清楚的意识到这个女生喜欢自己。而爱一个人就想要了解他全部的这种心态也是极为正常的。但是当这个与她平时得到的扭曲的爱情观想混合时产生的并不是什么让所有人都能感到舒服的东西。希望以后她会有所改变，能克制在平时不显出来却对喜欢的人无理取闹的习性，能意识到爱一个人也要给对方自由，更能进一步自然地把握好尺度时，一定会得到她想要的真实的幸福。
Monday 10 January 2011
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